


Plan Derailment

by Mist0857



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon
Genre: Buzzwole rushes in and ruins everything, Comedy, Contains memes, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:25:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9580373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mist0857/pseuds/Mist0857
Summary: Raiding the Glacier Palace with the Ultra Beasts, Warcraft style.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.

This world was different from home, it was cold, constantly snowing and too bright. Additionally, its inhabitants were all cowards that lacked the most basic form of politeness: Any attempts to strike a conversation were met with the locals fleeing from the "Monsters" or a (very one-sided) fight taking place. (If it wasn't stopped by Pheromosa first.)

 

But this did not stop the group in their quest to find out exactly where they were.

 

Said group consisted of a Guzzlord, an enormous creature with its sole motivation in life being eating. A Kartana, essentially the deadliest paper cut in existence. A Xurkitree, a large mound of glowing lights and legs. A Buzzwole, a Bug type who's main interest was posing, and lastly a Pheromosa, lightning fast but brittle as glass.

 

Since their arrival, the team had found something particularly interesting, an enormous castle that seemed to be made entirely of ice. The closer they went, the more aggressive the locals became, from what little information Pheromosa managed to coax out of them, the area was known as the Glacier Palace. It was filled to the brim with very aggressive Pokémon, and apparently a very powerful being called "The Bittercold" resided inside it.

 

And now the group found themselves at the entrance, two pairs of footprints were clearly visible in the snow, looked like someone else had arrived first and entered it.

 

"Alright," The Guzzlord bellowed, "What's the plan?"

 

"From what those guys told us, the entire place is a maze, we have to find our way through it while also fighting anyone we encounter until we find the stairs, they'll allow us to move to the next floor." The piece of paper replied.

 

"Easier said than done." Pheromosa said.

 

"Guzzlord could begin by gorging himself until he belches, the resulting smell should be more than enough to confuse and/or incapacitate most opponents," The Xurkitree proposed, "If not I can strike from a distance, Kartana can take care of the slower targets while Buzzwole keeps their attention in check, Pheromosa can easily flank targets with her speed."

 

A small chorus of agreement went across the group, save for the Buzzwole who seemed to be immensely focused, or he was simply zoning out.

 

"What's our chance of success?" Kartana asked.

 

The Xurkitree paused, raising an arm/leg(?) to its 'face'. "Estimated chances are 72.43%"

 

"Repeating?" Guzzlord asked.

 

"Correct," Was his answer.

 

"That's a bit worse than what we usually do." Pheromosa stated.

 

Suddenly the Buzzwole snapped from his trance-like state, "Alright, let's do this!" he yelled and promptly charged into the Glacier Palace's entrance, simultaneously letting out a mighty war cry.

 

"BUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZWOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLEEE!!!!!!!"

 

Silence.

 

"Did… did he just run in?" Kartana asked, dumbstruck.

 

"SAVE HIM!" Guzzlord yelled, the Dark/Dragon type broke into his equivalent of a sprint toward the cave, his two tongues grabbing the nearest objects they could find and throwing them in its mouth. (Just because a friend was in danger didn't necessarily mean eating was out of the question.) Xurkitree following not far behind.

 

Pheromosa sighed, shook her head and rested her face in the palm of her hands. "The shit I put up with," she grumbled as she began her walk into the dungeon, following the echoing "STICK TO THE PLAN!" and the occasional "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?".

 

* * *

 

"….Uuuuuuzzzzzzzzwooooooooollllllee…!"

 

"Snivy…Did you hear something?"

 

"…No, it's probably just the wind Axew."

 

"Right. Hey, look! The stairs! They'll probably take us right to the top and to the Bittercold!"

 

"…Ick to the plan..!"

 

"You heard that?"

 

"No..?"

 

  

* * *

 

 

Kyurem fell down,  defeated, his opponents Snivy and Axew didn't fare much better, exhausted from the fierce battle and struggling to even stand.

 

"Hah... Axew, we managed to beat Kyurem… we just need to reach the Bittercold to end this," Snivy panted.

 

Snivy paused, "Wait… do you hear that?"

 

"Hear what?" Axew asked.

 

Not even a second later a large, red and bulky figure zoomed right past the duo.

 

"…That." The Grass type answered.

 

The ground quaked, a loud "THUD" resonating each time.

 

"Before you asked yes I felt that!" Axew gibbered. Almost instantaneously after his sentence was finished a very small and thin… thing swooped right between the two Pokémon.

 

"HEYSLOWDOWNDUDEWEHADTOGOLIKE5FLOORSJUSTTOGETTOYOU!"  It yelled quickly in a surprisingly high pitched tone.

 

The earth began to tremble again, much more severely this time. Snivy and Axew turned around to see a dark, monstrous being with four eyes, two little arms and two much bigger ones coming out of its enormous maw, doing its best effort at keeping up to the minuscule creature they had seen seconds earlier.

 

"HOLD… **UP!** " It bellowed as it ran past them, at the same time one of its bigger arms clamped around Kyurem's tail. The Boundary Pokémon's claws dug weakly into the ice as it was forcefully dragged away screaming.

 

Despite having nearly fought to death, they both felt sorry for him.

 

Next was a tangle of arms and lights that moved by hopping merrily past them, even its tone of voice was clearly distressed. "Do not deviate from the plan!"

 

The duo was now alone again, they stared at one another, dumbstruck, jaws wide open in confusion.

 

"Ahem."

 

The heads of the Grass and the Dragon type Pokémon turned simultaneously, instead of another abomination, they were met with the sight of a tall, feminine figure with a hand placed on her hips. "Move aside," she said softly. Both nodded and backed up, letting her calmly follow the others.

 

Now they were truly alone again, at the summit of the Glacier Palace.

 

"Who the fuck were they?!" They both said at the same time.

 

* * *

 

Buzzwole kept going, this couldn't be the Glacier Palace they were all talking about, where were all the mighty foes? He only found weaklings here, babies, absolutely pathetic.

 

A strong wind blew, instinctively, Buzzwole shielded his face with an arm, this wind was powerful, he had slight difficulties advancing, and he was confident that if he stayed in one spot it would slowly push him away.

 

 _"Finally,"_ He thought, _"A challenge!"_

For a split second the wind stopped, and returned with renewed vigor, as if its origin abhorred the idea of a fair fight. Buzzwole laughed and charged again, once more crying his name out as a war cry.

 

"BUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZWOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLEE!!!"

 

* * *

 

"…Uzzzzwoooollllllle..!"

 

Kartana grumbled; this was Buzzwole alright, always charging into battle without a care in the world if it meant getting to it first. At least he was a civilized Pokémon outside of battle, most of the time.

 

The skies darkened, a wind began to blow softly.

 

"Uh-oh."

 

_Not good._

"AH!"

 

_NOT GOOD._

"I'M BEING BLOWN AWAY!"

 

This was why having a paper-thin body was as much of a curse as it was a blessing; one was doomed to be at the mercy of nature itself at the faintest breeze.

 

"HEEEeeEEEeeLLLlllPPPpppP!!!"

 

* * *

 

Guzzlord continued his trek forward, the footsteps in the snow guiding his way, at the same time he was doing his best to ignore the protests of the Ice type he was dragging along.

 

It seemed like the entire place had something against him; it was cramped, the temperature was freezing and worst of all, there was this damned wind almost constantly pushing him around that seemed to grow stronger the angrier he became.

 

"….-omeonefatGetINMYWAY!!..."

 

Guzzlord perked up and quickly snatched the small thing up with his free tongue… and immediately regretted his decision as he cursed out-loud from the sharp, stinging pain. After a few seconds of letting it fade away, the Dark type opened his tongue slightly and peeked at what he caught.

 

"Kartana?" He groaned in a puzzled manner.

 

"…Hi."

 

"Let me guess, the wind blew you back 'ere didn't it?"

 

"Yes."

 

"…Why didn't you wait for us to catch up instead of just charging head on?"

 

"Because you and the others (Pheromosa not included) are too slow to chase after Buzzwole properly?"

 

Guzzlord sighed and grumbled.

 

"This is incorrect," A voice droned.

 

Three head turned to see that Xurkitree had managed to catch up.

 

"For how long have you been here dude?" Kartana said.

 

"An acceptable amount of time, Guzzlord's form provides an ample amount of cover against the environmental hazard present here."

 

Guzzlord took a deep breath and sighed with resignation, "We should keep going, Buzzwole isn't going to rescue himself."

 

"I'm just going to stay here in your… tongue thing, I really don't want to get blown away again…" Kartana replied, his voice degrading to mumbles halfway through.

 

"Yes." was Xurkitree's simple answer.

 

The group continued their walk forward against the wind, save for Kyurem, he'd given up on hope and resigned to his fate, and he was still being dragged. As they kept marching along, the wind had begun to slowly gain in strength, little by little the team grinded to a halt. Guzzlord bent down as much as he could, clearly exhausted and catching his breath.

 

Kartana peeked out of his little cave, clearly annoyed, "Hey why are we stopping!"

 

"Out… of… breath…" Guzzlord said between gasps, shortly after he stood back up, "And I'm hungry." he admitted.

 

Kartana threw his head back and sighed in frustration. "Seriously? You couldn't have fed on the giant blocks of ice literally everywhere around us?"

 

Guzzlord shrugged, "Yeah… but  I've been carrying around a snack for a while." he said, motioning to his tongue holding Kyurem.

 

At this moment everything clicked for Kyurem.

 

**"NO-"**

…

Guzzlord belched, "A bit disappointing if you ask me, but I'm full so I can't complain." he shrugged.

 

"You're disgusting." The voice was that of Pheromosa.

 

All turned their heads and saw her standing a few feet away from the others.

 

"Lemme guess, You've been silently following us for a while." Kartana said sarcastically.

 

"Your deduction skills are impressive as always," The bug type replied. "Unlike you, instead of blindly charging in, I avoided battles and took the least dangerous paths."

 

"Irrelevant, we are all together at this moment, Buzzwole will soon be found." Xurkitree droned.

 

* * *

 

The path was long, but in the end they did find the moron that charged in blindly.

 

"Buzzwole you mind telling us, why, the hell are you bench pressing giant ice blocks right now?" Kartana inquired as he left Guzzlord's tongue, obviously irritated.

 

"Got bored waiting for you guys so we could take that thing on." He shrugged after throwing the blocks away.

 

"What thin-oh, that?" Guzzlord said, pointing at something.

 

All turned to see where Guzzlord was pointing and saw an enormous beast shaped like a snowflake standing far away from them. It was covered in an array of spikes and at its center was a red core covered in more glacial armor.

 

"This must be the Bittercold," Xurkitree stated, "Humiliating, this entity's presence was unknown to us until Guzzlord mentioned it." he complained, his head drooping slightly.

 

"Everyone's here, let's do this!" Buzzwole exclaimed, breaking into a sprint only to be snatched by Guzzlord's tongues, who dropped him near the other Ultra Beasts. The fighting type sheepishly scratched the back of his head as the others looked on unimpressed.

 

"Ready?" He asked.

 

"Ready." they answered.

 

"LET'S DO THIS!" They all shouted in unison, minus Pheromosa and Xurkitree.

 

Surprisingly, it was Kartana who bolted first, Floating toward the Bittercold at an impressive speed, Pheromosa quickly caught up to him, Xurkitree and Buzzwole on their tails while Guzzlord lagged behind.

 

In retaliation, the Bittercold summoned a plethora of ice pillars, some rising from the earth while a few were thrown at the group, the others surrounded it forming a large shield.

 

Kartana's answer was to slice through them or float out of the way, Pheromosa instead used her powerful kicks to shatter them and continue unhindered. Buzzwole simply broke them with his fists, Xurkitree following him closely.

 

Meanwhile Guzzlord casually used his massive body as a wrecking ball, destroying all in his path while snatching the ones thrown at him and eating them.

 

The Bittercold shook, almost in anger. It shattered the ice pillars forming its barrier and sent the shards flying. Kartana did the usual, float out of the way, Pheromosa's reflexes let her dodge them with such speed it almost seemed to leave a few after-image. Xurkitree hid behind Buzzwole who opted to "Take it like a Fighting type", laughing off the blows to his body due to the Beast Boost still being in effect. Guzzlord, being no acrobatic, was forced to take the shards head on, many of them ending up being eaten instead of harming him.

 

Pheromosa ran as fast as she could, jumping into the air and preparing a High Jump Kick, the Bittercold replied by covering its entire body with a thick, glacial shield. The impact was fierce, causing a large dent.

 

Pheromosa landed, "Keep hitting the shield!" she yelled, Kartana arrived and slashed the barrier, causing a very thin and deep cut. Buzzwole slammed his fists together and unleashed a flurry of strikes. Xurkitree followed by charging itself, covering its entire body with electricity. Then it jumped onto the Bittercold's shelter and firmly planted its limbs into it and unloaded its pent up power. Beneath the shield, the opponent produced a sound eerily similar to screaming as its body suffered the full shock of the Electric type's attack, the ice shield still steaming as Xurkitree jumped off. Last was Guzzlord who slammed into the dome with its full force, causing massive damage to the front. The Dragon type wasn't finished yet as he proceeded to take a large bite out of the shield and began to feast on it, destroying it completely and leaving the Bittercold exposed.

 

The Ultra Beasts began an onslaught of attacks on the Bittercold's armored core, Pheromosa's rapid strikes combined with Kartana's multiple devastating deep slashes made short work of the core's armor.

 

The Bittercold retaliated by summoning a freezing air blast which simultaneously struck its foes. Guzzlord was the first to stand up again, already gorging himself on the remaining parts of the Bittercold's discarded armor. Soon the entire team was up and fighting again.

 

"I got this!" Buzzwole yelled, as his focus began to tighten, a focus punch was incoming, Guzzlord shielded Buzzwole from the Bittercold's attacks until he was ready to strike.

 

"LETS DO THIS!" He yelled. All at once the group charged, avoiding the large chunks of ice the Bittercold was launching in a final attempt to defeat them. Once Buzzwole was close enough he lunged, "Hey Ice cube! You just got-" he interrupted himself by unleashing a Focus Punch straight into its vulnerable core. A silent scream could almost be heard as the Bittercold shattered.

 

"Crap, messed up my one-liner." Buzzwole complained.

 

The palace began to shake intensely, parts of the ceiling detached and fell.

 

"Bittercold's dead, the whole place is breaking down!" Kartana yelled, "I don't know about you guys but I value my life, so my suggestion is this; WE NEED TO GET OUT FAST!"

 

"LEG IT!" Guzzlord roared as the group began to sprint out of the crumbling castle.

 

 

* * *

 

"Think the Bittercold is up ahead?"

 

"It's got to be, why else would those… those things just charge right in if it wasn’t?"

 

"I'm not too sure about thi-" Axew was interrupted as the Glacier Palace shook, knocking them down.

 

"What was that?!" Snivy said as he attempted to regain his balance. "An earthquake!?" Axew replied.

 

Snivy stood up and helped Axew get on his feet, only for both to fall again. At the same time the creatures from earlier ran past them.

 

"MOVEMOVEMOVE!" The red one repeated.

 

"THE WHOLE PLACE IS BREAKING DOWN!" The little one yelled.

 

"ESCAPE!" The lights said.

 

"I SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN; LEG IT!" The big one roared.

 

The thin one stopped near the small duo for a second, "The entire place is breaking down, I'd advise you to get out of here if you wish to live." It stated seconds before bolting toward the others.

 

Snivy and Axew shared a glance, narrowly avoided a falling boulder, and began their escape, following the creatures that passed them moments ago.

 

"WAIT UP!" They both shouted.

 

* * *

 

**[ALTERNATE ENDING]**

 

"LET'S DO THIS!" Buzzwole yelled as he broke into a sprint, narrowly avoiding Guzzlord's attempt at snatching him up. The Bittercold summoned a large wall of ice around itself.

 

Once again history repeated itself, the Ultra Beasts ran toward their opponent, hoping Buzzwole wouldn't mess it up again.

 

Buzzwole struck the ice wall and began striking it as fast as he could, moments later he was joined by his partners who each began striking at one, making short work of the Bittercold's barrier.

 

…Only to be met with a glowing Bittercold the moment the wall was shattered.

 

"LOOK OU-" Kartana was interrupted by the Bittercold unleashing its equivalent of Hyper Beam, completely annihilating the Ultra Beasts.

 

**-GAME OVER-**

 

[2Swole2Control]: Goddammit.

[F4TB4ST4RD]: Instakill BS right there

[AbsolutelyDisgusting]:  Once again, Swole fucks everything up.

[2Swole2Control]: I thought I could tank it.

[F4TB4ST4RD]: Bruh

[F4TB4ST4RD]: I'm the tank

[MaximumEdge]: >rushing while everyone is unprepared.

[MaximumEdge]: >TWICE.

[Lightbulb]: At this point I'm not even surprised.

[Lightbulb]: You know, this would've probably gone a lot smoother if we hadn't forgotten to invite @GlassJellyfish and @BambooRocket.

**Author's Note:**

> I partially regret everything.


End file.
